Improving Your Self Esteem

This information was written by David Bonham-Carter, a life coach specialising in patterns of change, stress and anxiety management. Further information is available on: Life Coach David Bonham-Carter's Life Coaching website

Improving Your Self Esteem

Understanding Self Esteem

Self Esteem has two sides to it:

- How you value yourself &
- How happy you are with the way you are

If you experience low self esteem you probably have a self image which involves you:

(1) Not valuing yourself and your own worth very highly and/or
(2) Paying more attention and attaching more significance to the aspects of yourself with which you are unhappy than to those aspects which you feel are fine.

If this applies to you, then it may lead you to act in certain ways that cause problems for you and sometimes for others, for example:

- Not paying sufficient attention to your own needs and wants
- Finding it difficult to communicate effectively in relationships
- Saying 'Yes' to requests from others which you do not really want to meet or do not have time to meet
- Feeling bad about yourself and guilty if you do not achieve something you promised or if you do not act in a way which you feel you should or ought to do.

Where does Low Self Esteem come from?

Self Esteem is part of our self image. Our self image develops during our childhood & is the combination of our own natural personality features together with the messages and influences we receive from those around us about how we should act and feel about ourselves.

People who experience sustained low self esteem have usually experienced one or more of the following factors in their childhood:

- Parents (or other primary caregivers) who have unrealistic, high expectations of what their children should and can achieve
- Parents who, whether for good or not so good reasons, apply excessive criticism, negative comparisons or labels to their children (or to one child)
- Parents who find it difficult to give appropriate warmth, love and acceptance to their children, or who abuse their children in one or more ways (emotional, psychological, sexual, physical, or through neglect)
- Parents who are to preoccupied with their own issues and concerns to be able to pay sufficient attention to the needs of their children
- Parents who themselves have low self esteem and whose behaviour the child copies (usually unconsciously)
- Rejection or factors similar to the above experienced at the hands of other children or from adults who play a part in your development (e.g. teachers or relatives).

Changing Your Self Esteem

The good news is that you can change your self esteem.

Just as people's self esteem can decrease as adults, so the converse is true:
Your self esteem can improve. This may happen because of positive situations or events in which you have a role but it can also happen because of things that you choose to do. You can learn to change your thought patterns and ways of acting through the application of particular techniques, some of which are described below.

In overall terms, if you suffer from low self esteem you may find it helpful to try

- Substituting positive statements about yourself in place of negative ones, where you can reasonably do so

- Assessing and questioning the validity of negative statements you make about yourself or about situations in a reasonable and measured way

- Adopting a positive and constructive approach towards other people without necessarily feeling that you have to believe or accept everything they say.

The following are two specific suggestions for how you can begin to do this.

(1) Modify Negative Things You Say about Your Own Faults or Weaknesses

Make a list of 2-3 specific situations that have occurred recently or might typically occur, which might lead you to make a negative judgement about yourself. For each situation, list the likely negative judgement and then alongside list some alternative statements you could say to yourself trying to focus on being accurate and realistic. The realistic alternatives might for example be:

- Comments which moderate the extremity of the negative statement or
- An expression of intent to try to change what you feel is negative in a reasonable way

An example of a potential list is given below:

Negative Judgement about Yourself

'I am stupid'

Realistic Alternative Statements

'With hindsight, I can see that I could have acted differently. I will try to do so next time.'
'Sometimes I act in a stupid way, but in other situations I do show intelligence.'
'I made a mistake which I regret. What can I learn from this situation?'

Negative Judgement about Yourself

'I am always letting people down'

Realistic Alternative Statements

'On this occasion I didn't do what I said I would, but in fact sometimes I do. I will think of actions to try to help me not leap into overcommitting myself.'
'I did part of what I said, although I didn't complete the whole task.'
'I will decide whether to try again or to leave this and move onto something I can do better.'

(2) List Some Positive Things About Yourself

Increasing the number of positive statements you say to yourself (your "self talk") will help to reinforce your recognition of the good aspects of yourself and thereby improve your self esteem. You don't need to say anything that is not accurate (Don't say you are the world's greatest ballet dancer or footballer if you are not!). Just remind your self of specific, simple, good qualities or abilities that you have.

Keep a list of the qualities. Your list might start off with just 2 or 3 things, say as follows:
- I have a mischievous smile
- I cook a good vegetable biriani
- I provide a stable background for my children to the best of my ability

- Recite your list to yourself 2-3 times a day, ideally at a regular time, e.g. when you get up and when you go to bed.
- Practise reciting the qualities and abilities on the list when you look in the mirror.
- You will probably find it artificial to do this at first, but it is important to keep it up. What you are doing is retraining your mind to think well of yourself.

Keep the list somewhere where you can refer to it regularly to remind yourself of what is on it, e.g. in your handbag or briefcase.

If you have difficulty in thinking of things to put on the list, then ask friends or relatives to let you know what they think are your abilities and qualities and add these to the list.

The above are just two suggestions for initial things you can do to help with building your self esteem. If you need further help or find it difficult to achieve consistency in implementing the suggestions then you may find the support of a specialist coach in this area invaluable in helping you to achieve sustained motivation and progress.

Introducing Some Different Life Coaching Models

This information was written by David Bonham-Carter, a life coach specialising in patterns of change, stress and anxiety management. Further information is available on:
Life Coach David Bonham-Carter's Life Coaching website

If you are looking for a life coach, deciding what kind of coach is going to be best for you can be a bit bewildering. Life coaches use a range of different theoretical approaches as well as bringing their own individual style to their work. This short article is intended to introduce you to three different life coaching approaches, so that you can get an idea of which you feel might be most helpful for you and your particular situation. When you approach a coach you can then ask them if they use any or all of the models below - or if not, what other models do they use and can they explain how they work to you.

1. The GROW Model of Coaching - Performance Coaching

The GROW model of coaching is frequently taught to trainee coaches at an early stage and provides a useful practical framework for helping people to clarify personal goals, explore options and act on them. It was perhaps most famously set out by John Whitmore in his book "Coaching for Performance" published in 1992. The initials of the acronym GROW stand for:

G oal Setting
R eality checking
O ptions
W hat is to be done, When, by Whom and the Will to do it.

As can be perhaps be guessed from these acronyms, a life coach using the GROW model is likely to start by asking you to set goals both for what you want to get out of the coaching sessions as a whole and for individual sessions. Most coaches will encourage you to set goals which are SMART (Specific, Measurable, Agreed, Realistic and Time-framed). The idea is that this will help you to focus your thoughts and also will enable you to measure whether you achieve what you aim for.

In the "Reality checking" section of the coaching sessions the life coach will assist you to try to assess objectively where you currently are in relation to your goals and how you feel about your current situation. This process of exploration may actually help you to clarify your goals better, as you begin to understand more deeply what is driving you and what your sources of dissatisfaction are.

In the Options stage of the coaching, the idea is not immediately to find a solution, but simply to generate as many possible alternative courses of action as possible. This kind of brainstorming coaching approach is similar in some ways to the person centred approach to counselling advocated by Gerard Egan in the 1970s in his book "The Skilled Helper".

Once you have generated a number of possible options the next stage will be for you to decide which one or ones you want to try out to help you towards your goals. In this final stage you are moving from discussion to decision and action. The coach will aim to assist you in clarifying for yourself:

- What you are going to do
- When you are going to do it - Whether it is likely to help you meet your goals (If not then you may change the intended action)
- What difficulties you might encounter and how you might deal with them
- Who you are going to tell about what you are doing (if anyone) and what support you may try to get to help you in your actions.

Overall the GROW Model provides a helpful practical framework to assist you in setting goals and moving towards them.

2. NLP: Neuro-linguistic Programming

Neuro-linguistic programming is a model which was developed in the 1970s by Richard Bandler and John Grinder at the University of California. They were interested in finding out the features that enable certain successful people to achieve excellence in what they do, in order to produce a system for modelling and duplicating those features. The ideas and techniques that inform NLP consequently came to focus on recreating highly positive states of mind (one of the phrases used for this is "peak states") so that people can have the mindset to maximise their potential. This focus on creating positive mental states is perhaps one of the reasons a number of practitioners of NLP are also interested in or use hypnotism in their work. Perhaps the most well known of these practitioners in the UK is the hypnotist Paul McKenna who has also written a number of well known self help books.

It is not possible in a short article to cover all the aspects of neuro-linguistic programming and different practitioners are likely to focus on different aspects of it. The model may appeal to people who are looking for a whole philosophy around which to focus their efforts to create a positive future, as it has a number of grounding rules or presuppositions which inform the techniques used. Some of those presuppositions include the following NLP metaphors or phrases:

- "The map is not the territory" meaning that your representation of 'reality' and your thoughts are a subjective interpretation.
- "There's no such thing as failure only feedback" - following on from which an NLP practitioner is likely to encourage you to see whatever you might have experienced in the past or might experience in the future as something to learn from
- "We have the resources within us to achieve what we want" - this gives a flavour of the kind of positive thinking which NLP promotes. The potential downside may be that if you do not achieve the goals you set then you may feel in some sense a failure. In line with the previous supposition, if that happens to you then you might remind yourself that not achieving the goals in the time frame you want is not in fact a failure but a source of useful feedback which you can use to help you decide on your next actions....

One of the aspects of NLP which practitioners may encourage you to follow is to visualise and enter into the imaginative experience of being in the future position and mental state that you want to be in, the idea being that the more imaginatively real that positive future becomes for you then the more motivation and commitment you will be able to generate towards doing what you have to in order to achieve it.

One particular technique used by NLP practitioners is what is called "anchoring". "Resource anchoring", for instance, involves being able to put yourself into a particular state of mind just when you need it - something we would all love to do. Say you are nervous about attending a particular meeting, then through the resource anchoring technique the NLP practitioner will seek to help you to develop associations between the experience of the positive state you want to create and chosen "anchors". Anchors are essentially specific sensory experiences of different kinds that you choose, e.g. you might use a phrase such as "confident" (whether saying it out loud or to yourself) or you might touch two fingers together as a "kinaesthetic" anchor. The NLP practitioner will encourage you to develop an association between your chosen anchor and the positive state or experience by practising activating the anchor, e.g. saying the chosen word or touching the two fingers together, and then recreating in your mind the positive state several times. The idea is then that when you get into the situation you are nervous about, such as attending the meeting, you activate the anchor and if your mind has been sufficiently "programmed" this will trigger you automatically to feel in the positive state you want.

From personal experience I can report that NLP can be a very powerful set of techniques to bring positive results.

3. Cognitive Behavioural Coaching

Cognitive behavioural coaching is a model which is particularly effective in helping people who are experiencing stress, anxiety or negative thoughts. In counselling circles the model is sometimes called "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy" or "CBT" and it is commonly recommended as a successful method for helping people suffering from depression or other low mental states.

The cognitive part of this method relates to your thoughts and feelings (your cognitions). The method rests on the view that the thoughts that are going through your head are likely to influence your actions and feelings. It helps you to look at options for you to begin to change your thought patterns if they are causing you problems and also at ways of behaving which will help you to think and feel more constructively.

If you find yourself commonly thinking self critical thoughts or judging yourself (or others) in extreme ways it may well be that you would benefit from cognitive behavioural coaching.

Cognitive behavioural coaching is helpful in helping you to identify if there are particular patterns of thinking that you allow to imbalance your perceptions and create negative feelings. For example you might come to realise that you have a tendency to:

- Mind Reading - e.g. imagining that other people are thinking negative thoughts about you when there is little objective evidence to support that
- Fortune Telling - i.e. imagining gloomy things happening which are not necessarily going to happen. In some cases your anxieties about them may increase the likelihood of them happening as when, for example, you worry about your partner having an affair and allow this to influence your behaviour towards your partner in such a way that they feel attacked or controlled and seek to break free
- All or Nothing Thinking - seeing everything in extreme terms when in fact there may be some positive and some negative aspects or consequences to the situation.

A coach trained in cognitive behavioural techniques will help you to identify these thought patterns and find ways of substituting more realistic and constructive ways of thinking.

One technique that you can use to counter negative thoughts is to make a note of what is going through your mind and then create a balancing statement. Thus for example you might note the following thought and then create a balancing statement such as that listed:

Negative Thought

I arrived 10 minutes late. I am hopeless. I can never get to work on time.

Balancing Statement

On this occasion I arrived 10 minutes late. Punctuality is not my strong point but I am going to work on it to try to improve, by practical measures such as setting my alarm clock 10 minutes earlier in the morning.

In the example given, the balancing statement does not seek to pretend that there is no difficulty or that you are perfect - after all, who is - but it seeks to help you put things in perspective and come up with positive realistic actions to try out to improve your situation.

Negative self critical thoughts quite often contain words such as "never" or "should" which are either extreme or else moralistic in their self condemnation. Balancing statements aim to moderate these elements in a realistic way to help you achieved a more balanced approach to yourself, to others and to life.

One technique that you can use if you do find yourself frequently being self critical is to draw up a list of 'affirmations' - a list of your positive qualities and experiences - and read it through on a daily basis or at times when you are feeling low, to remind yourself of the positive aspects that you may tend to forget. If you are unable to think of positive qualities immediately then you can ask trusted friends what they like about you or think are your positive qualities or achievements and use these as a starting point. This technique can be helpful if you are experiencing low self esteem.

Cognitive behavioural coaching is a practical and very useful model for helping you change your mindset and view situations in a constructive way.

Conclusion

The above models are just three examples of the theoretical frameworks that underpin the work of different life coaches. There are many others which you may find coaches using depending on your particular situation and their professional background - Motivational Interviewing, for example, is a powerful approach for helping people to break out of negative cycles of behaviour or addictions, which can be used to help people make positive changes in their drinking, smoking, eating or other habits.

I hope that you have found the above introductory information useful and of assistance in clarifying for you what sort of coaching approach might be of most benefit to you.

Goals

"To achieve goals you've never achieved before, you need to start doing things you've never done before." ~ Stephen Covey

A thought on Time Managment

"Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use." ~ Earl Nightingale

 

Michael Jordan on being a success

I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career.

I've lost more than 300 games.

Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed.

I've failed over and over and over again in my life... and that is why I succeed

Ralph Waldo Emerson

That which you persist in doing becomes easier to do.

Not that the nature of the thing itself has changed, but that your ability to do it has increased!

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Power of the coaching

"I never cease to be amazed at the power of the coaching process to draw out the skills or talent that was previously hidden within an individual, and which invariably finds a way to solve a problem previously thought unsolvable." --John Russell, Managing Director, Harley-Davidson Europe Ltd.

Life Coaching all over the UK - geography NOT an issue!

Whilst I am based just outside Southampton in Hampshire, I work with people from all over the UK and even sometimes beyond! I have worked with people from the south coast of England, to the north of Scotland. From Brighton - London - (across to Cardiff/Wales) - Birmingham - Manchester - Newcastle - Glasgow - Inverness. I have even worked with people from the USA, France, and the Middle East!

TIME Magazine Quote..

"Coaching is an action-oriented partnership that, unlike psychotherapy which delves into patterns of the past, concentrates on where you are today and how you can reach your goals."

Tony Robbins Quote

My definition of success is to live your life in a way that causes you to feel a ton of pleasure and very little pain - and because of your lifestyle, have the people around you feel a lot more pleasure than they do pain.

Tony Robbins quote...

In essence, if we want to direct our lives, we must take control of our consistent actions. It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently.

Coaching in the news

"Once used to bolster troubled staffers, coaching now is part of the standard leadership development training for elite executives and talented up-and-comers at IBM, Motorola, J.P. Morgan, Chase, and Hewlett Packard.  These companies are discreetly giving their best prospects what star athletes have long had:  a trusted adviser to help reach their goals."  -- CNN.com

Five Thoughts on Being Happy

Five Thoughts on Being Happy
By Jackie Fletcher

Happiness can sometimes seem rather elusive. So here are some thoughts, based on borrowed wisdom, on how to feel happy – and how to realise you can actually be happy right now.

“In our minds, we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but rather gratefulness that makes us happy.” ~ Albert Clark.

Every day write down, or say out loud, ten things for which you are grateful. What we focus on expands, so focus on the good things. Acknowledge and be grateful for a whole range of things – your eyesight, health, friends and family, the sunshine, the clothes on your back, ability to drive. Life is good!

"Remember happiness doesn't depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think." ~ Dale Carnegie.

Monitor your thoughts for a few days. What self chatter is going on? Do those thoughts serve you, make you feel good? No? Then begin to say positive supportive things to yourself, and choose to stop paying attention to the negative thoughts that cross your mind. You wouldn’t say negative things to your best friend – treat yourself the same way.

"If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy, and inspires your hopes." ~ Andrew Carnegie.

Have something specific to work towards – some purpose in life that really fires you up. Achieving it will feel fantastic and fulfilling – and working towards it will also feel great. Have some focus, some meaning in your life.

“Every day, the happy person does at least one difficult thing.” ~ Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

Try something new, something that stretches and challenges you. Join an evening class, jog an extra mile, write to a long lost friend, achieve something different – surprise yourself!

"You wander from room to room hunting for the diamond necklace that is already around your neck!" ~ Jalal-Uddin Rumi.

Instead of thinking you will be happy when you change jobs, move house, or meet that new partner, realise that you can choose to accept and experience happiness now – it is not conditional on the external factors you are seeking, but is already inside you.

Copyright Jackie Fletcher 2005

Jackie Fletcher is a life satisfaction and mentor coach, working with busy professionals, small business owners and new coaches, helping them create and live the life they really want – balanced, successful and happy. Jackie has recently published an ebook collection of 2000 quotations. For more information visit http://www.transitionslifecoaching.co.uk/career.php

Assertiveness And Goals

Take Charge - Assertiveness And Goals
By Paddy Landau

You think you know what you want. But how do you get it? And do
you really want it?
I felt fed up. So, I went to the airport. "Please sell me a
ticket to somewhere lovely," I asked. Yes sir, where
specifically? "Oh, somewhere that I'll feel great and at ease
with myself!" Yes, but I need to know where, specifically! "Uh,
yeah, look, just sell me ticket to somewhere great, OK?" Well,
take this ticket. I've always wanted to go there! "Thanks!"

I ended up touring roller coasters throughout the world. The
seller's idea of a dream holiday, but not mine! You see, if you
don't know precisely what you want, and have goals that match
your values, you won't get what you want!

A study of Yale University graduates from 1953–1973 found that
the 3% that had written goals achieved more in 20 years than
the combined efforts of the other 97%. In other words, they
achieved well over 30 times greater success! Successful people
— from Donald Trump to Anthony Robbins — know their goals and
personal values precisely.

Follow these simple steps to create written goals and start the
journey to your dream life.

Figure out your desires

Take a fresh piece of paper and a sit in a quiet room. List
everything you want in life. List:

What you want to have or own (e.g. a red Ferrari, a leather
sofa, new shoes)
What you want to do (e.g. go on a hot-air balloon ride, lose
weight, learn a new language)
How you want to feel (e.g. confident, tolerant, peaceful)

Go crazy! Let yourself go! Don't worry about making your goals
"realistic" — that comes later.
You may find it helps to think of the following areas of your
life.

Money & finances
Health & fitness

Fun & adventure
Career & work
Friends & family
Physical environment

Romance & relationships
Personal & spiritual growth

Check the ethics

Now, for each goal, ask yourself, "How many of areas of my life
will it improve?" Subtract one for each area it will seriously
damage. For example, a new Ferrari might improve Fun &
adventure and Physical environment, but will seriously damage
Money & finances, so it scores only 1. (If your partner would
leave you over this, subtract another one for Romance &
relationships!)

Look at your scores. Goals with higher scores provide more
value to your life. Goals with lower scores distract you from
finding happiness! How many surprises did you have? Did you
have any negative scores?

Act!

Choose your three most important goals. Word them positively;
as precisely as possible; and in the present as if you've
already achieved them. For example, instead of, "I want to lose
2 stone," write, "I fit size 12 jeans." Instead of, "I don't
want to be shy," write, "I smile warmly and show genuine
interest when meeting new people."

Now, for each goal, write down one thing that you can do this
week to move towards that goal. Write them down on paper. Stick
them on your bathroom mirror, inside your purse or wallet, and
so on.
Revise your goals every week (some goals will change. Let it
happen). You will get "somewhere nice" sooner than you think!

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting a different result.— Albert Einstein.

About the Author: Paddy Landau, Hypnotherapist and Life Coach
based in Oxford UK Change Fast — with Hypnotherapy, NLP, EFT
and Life Coaching http://www.landau.ws

Instant Meditation

Instant Meditation
By Paddy Landau

There is so much to do. There is so little time. We must go
slowly.— Taoist saying

Last month, when my wife broke her back, I spent a while using
hypnosis to help her relieve the pain. As I was doing so, I
noticed various thoughts floating across my mind. I thought
about how lucky she is that the break will heal. I thought
about how lucky most of us are, living with no ills or with
only minor ills. And, I wondered at how so many people squander
their luck to bad food, bad stress and bad decisions.

In certain ways, these three things feed on each other. We feel
stressed, so we eat bad food. We eat bad food, which makes it
harder to cope with stress. We then have more stress, so we
make bad decisions. And so on. But, if you can improve one of
these, it helps to make the others better.

Many people have found that a great way to defeat stress and
improve decisions is to meditate. However, meditation can take
a long time to master — years, or even decades, according to
some. But new discoveries can help. Researchers have measured
people's brainwaves and found out what happens when meditating
successfully. They've also compared these brainwaves to
"normal" people, and to people that have achieved high levels
of happiness.

Over the years, we've found ways to alter our brainwaves
deliberately. Some methods use simple machines that create
patterns of light or sound. Some methods use certain ways of
talking. There's meditation, of course, older than we have
records. And some methods take moments and are quick and easy
to master.

So, today, I decided to describe a simple way to alter your
brainwaves to a relaxed state known as "alpha". This is the
same as going into a light state of meditation. In this state,
you can relax, feel calm, and think new thoughts. And, of
course, you can diminish pain — physical or emotional. As a
young child, I hated dentists' injections, and insisted that
the dentist drill without using any pain relief. Although I
didn't know it at the time, I was entering an alpha state while
the dentist drilled and filled.

How to "instantly" meditate

Unlike standard meditation, it's not necessary to focus on a
single thought. In fact, it's OK to allow your mind to wander
and to think of whatever thoughts happen across your mind as
you do this easy exercise.

Sit in a comfortable chair, where you can safely close your
eyes. It's OK if there is moderate noise and movement around
you — it doesn't have to be quiet and still!

Take a deep breath in; hold for a moment; and relax, breathing
out. Do this three or four times.

Stare at a fixed point, perhaps on the wall. Without taking
your eyes off that point, start to notice just how far to the
left you can notice things around you. Then, do the same with
the right. Still looking at the one point, allow your vision to
expand up and down. You may be surprised at just how much you
can notice going on around you. Keeping your expanded vision,
you can stop staring at the one point.

Start to notice just how much you can hear. The little noises
that you hadn't noticed… the far-away noises that had passed
you by. Don't concentrate on any single noise. Instead, just
let every noise, near or far, loud or soft, enter into your
awareness.

While continuing to notice your vision and hearing, start to
notice how much you can feel. The chair you sit on; the
temperature and movement of the air; the feelings in your back
and feet…

Keep your awareness on your vision, sound and feelings. At some
point, you may find you want to close your eyes. You may also
find that your thoughts start to wander, without you asking
them to. Stay there for as long as you want.

With enough practice, you'll find you can start to enter this
state in seconds. It's a great way to unwind when you feel
overwhelmed by life!

About the Author: Paddy Landau, Hypnotherapist and Life Coach
based in Oxford UK Change Fast — with Hypnotherapy, NLP, EFT
and Life Coaching http://www.landau.ws

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Personal Life Coaching
Web: www.startliving.org.uk
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